So this must be spontaneous.
I keep hoping I can get things done over the course of a weekend, but I am so exhausted I barely even make it out of bed on either day. Between anxiety and fatigue it simply destroys my ability to get anything done. Of course on top of that add in depression and it gets pretty bad. Yes, I know others go through the same, or worse and still manage, that simply means they have a stronger character than I do or are better people. I am in one of those troughs right now, I know I have an rTMS treatment on Tuesday and it would be nice if I could hold off on taking my ketamine until after the treatment, which would likely mean of course I simply would not take the ketamine, but I don’t know if I want to make it that long. The good things is that I do seem to spend a lot of time reflecting on surface emotion, teh bad thing is that it seems to be teh only thing I can focus on. Of course this makes sense because if you are in pain, and I am in both physical and emotional pain, all one can really think about typically is how to get out of the pain, and I know there is no current way to escape it.
I keep thinking that maybe having someone who feels about me the way I do about them, and to whom I and she have made commitments to each other would make this all better to a degree because it would remove some of the doubts and fears, but I do not know that, for all I really know it would simply move those issues off to the side and uncover new ones.
The problem with not being self-reliant is that you must rely on others, duh. But it means by definition that things are out of your, read my, control.
In my case, again not better or worse than anyone else simply my personal case, when I get stressed my hands and feet just hurt, the pain then causes them to get colder and they hurt more, pain causes stress, it is a feedback loop. Those of you who suffer from chronic pain understand it far better. Then this makes it harder to focus, my ears ring more, my anxiety increases yadda yadda.
As much as I want to rescue her, I want her to rescue me.
And I don’t think that presently she wants to be rescued by me, nor does she have any idea that I want to be rescued.
Remember that post about shortcuts? Isn’t all this posting a terrible hypocrisy? It is in effect as if I am saying here are my feelings, please discover them without me actually telling you to. Please do the effort of learning about me without actually involving me in the process.
Yes, it all is and so, while in truth I write these things so that maybe she might find them and gain an insight into my heart so that we could know one another better, I honestly suspect that should she actually find this it would be pretty creepy. I mean some old dude is crushing on you and writing about it on the internet? I know I would be pretty freaked out if I found something like that out there about me, but in the off chance that a relationship moves forward, she may find this all very sweet afterwards. Context as they say is king.
There is of course other possibility that could be to my benefit, this could effectively become a diary about how I moved from being effectively hopeless in the romantic possibilities of my future, to having interest and hope. In that case, some future person with whom I have a relationship, may well want to hear about how my heart was moved so that one day she might thank this girl I write of now for the changes that were done in my life.
That last one is an even larger reach than the first, but it is not outside the realm of possibility.