I thought I would take the time to express my expectations of you and let you know what the state of the Princess is:
Just to clear things up, this is an unadvertised blog on a personal domain that to the best of my knowledge, no one knows exists. Heck it is so far off the radar that I don’t even get spam comments and I do not get Google indexing these posts. So what do I expect from you dear reader?
I expect that you do not exist. That is right, none of this is expected to be read by anyone, and yet if it happens to be, that is OK my comments are personally identifiable back to me, but there are only two people, to the best of my knowledge who can identify who princess is with certainty, one being Princess herself and the other being an associate of mine who doesn’t know her, but does know of her and my internal struggle with my feelings, but quite frankly doesn’t care. Oh he might care if my struggle became such that it negatively affected me, but it would have to be very obvious and even then I suspect he would still not say anything one way or the other as he would just figure it was one of those things that is private.
There are two other target readers however, both fairly hypothetical. The first and quite frankly least likely is princess herself. Now here is the thing, depending on the state of princess and I when she discovers all of this writing and reads it she is going to have some very different reactions to it.
For example: Were Princess to find and read this today, I expect she would be mortified. There is a degree of obsessiveness presented in these pages which is far too one-sided to be considered healthy for any individual. There ia a caveat with that though and the caveat is this: Most people are not me. They express a limited version of themselves and so if you see an expression of A the real value of A is not A it is either much les than A and so is hyperbolic, or it is much more than A. In my case, it really is an accurate description of what is going on in my head at the time. And this is why these writings are of some value. Yes these posts could be read in a very creepy manner, that is not my intention. In every relationship that actually begins, someone has those feelings first. If those feelings were actually expressed before the other person reciprocates, they would likely scare off the second party completely.
So that brings me as an aside, to the State of the Princess statement or rather the state of my relationship with the Princess statement: Well, she knows I exist. She knows that I find her attractive, I believe she is aware that my feelings towards her are complex, in that I express them in seemingly contradictory ways. Whether she knows that his is because of my own internal struggle with my feelings regarding her, I have no clue. Trying to get her to actually communicate in a manner I can yet interpret is a struggle for me. I can write ten thousand words to her and get a few dozen in response. When the target of your affections suffers from chronic illness and fatigue, you take what you can get and cherish it.
So on a scale of -10 to 10, 0 being a stranger, 10 being 70 years of marriage and family and -10 being one of us is in jail for killing the other one or really wanting to, I give our relationship a 2.
So wait, am I doing all this rambling on about a girl whom I have so little of a relationship with? Am I some pervy stalker? Well in order, Yes and No.
Yes we, meaning both you, the imaginary reader, and myself are confused.
For the past 20 years I have been effectively asexual. I simply had no interest in anyone of any kind for any reason. When I tell you I had zero interest, I really do mean zero interest. You could have paraded (insert whatever group of people you personally find attractive) in front of me and there would have been a null response from my brain’s sexuality centre. 20 years.
And then, blammo I get hit with Princess. I began the morphing from asexual to demi sexual. I could say I am Princess sexual. Now that sounds really really creepy unless you understand what demisexuality is because most do not.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.
Given the above, the likelihood is that the average imaginary reader experiences a stronger sexual desire on a regular basis for a stranger than I have for Princess at most any time. The other side of that though is that you, imaginary reader, likely live in a world of full coloured sexuality, meaning you are physically attracted to a number of people for various periods of time throughout even the course of the day. I do not mean this as negative, I do not mean it as positive, I mean it as different. If your sexuality increased 2 fold, that would be a large shift for you. As you are now two times as attracted to someone as you were before. But remember it is a two-fold increase and some people may have scales that are logarithmic and some people may be linear. So if you go from an attraction factor of 4 to an attraction factor of 8 that is somewhere between a doubling and ten thousand times increase in attractiveness. Also remember I tend to use technical definitions rather than common ones, so when I say sexual response or sexual attractiveness I mean based on a sexual nature, not I want o go jump his/her bones right now and for eternity. Heck, one can have someone register on your sexual radar as simply, that person is attractive, or they may play a part in your most twisted (for you) sexual fantasy. Both are sexual responses and both are scaled. Depending on the relationship either one or the other may be appropriate responses.
I started off at 0, for me to even notice someone is a relative response increase of infinity. So you want a concrete example, and more proof that I overshare? My first memory of a sexual response to Princess was when I was exhausted and feeling defeated one day and in my imagination I hugged someone from behind and put my head on her shoulder. Yep. That was it. In a world where 50 shades of gray goes from bad fanfic of Mormon teen angst (you do know that 50 shades of grey was originally a twilight fanfic right? and you know that twilight is basically Mormon teen angst thus …) to major motion picture, with a sequel I might add, my initial sexual response to Princess was, while exhausted, imagining her as the person I could hug and feel safe enough to put my head on her shoulder as a symbol of relief and trust. LOL. But again, going from 0 to this is a huge movement in my level of sexuality.
Maybe, just maybe if one of her family members, such as her mother or father were to stumble across this and have read this far, having already been mortified that someone wants to be with their daughter and that that someone is me, perhaps, that last revelation will help ameliorate the thoughts of my slow painful demise. Now I am no saint, so truth be told that is where things started and there are times I have glancing thoughts of how wonderful it would be to induce in Princess a state of ecstasy where in she could forget all the daily pain and tiredness on a regular basis and drift off into a state of rest brought only on by a little death (and her dad just shot me if he ever reads this and our relationship has not moved way farther down the scale – and justifiably so <- meaning the shooting being justified), But that is the other side of the coin and I try not to dwell on such, saving those imaginings for a more appropriate time, should it ever happen.
Will it ever happen? I do not know. I mean I don’t even know if I will ever even so much as take Princess out on a date (dude you are a perv! You haven’t even dated the girl once?!?). The point is I do not know, but I believe she is worth the pursuit. Heck, if I knew Jimmy’s daughters were going to be in south TX on the coast this summer, I might even ask her if she wanted to go. What do Jimmy’s daughters have to do with anything let alone inviting a hottie to the beach for a week? Well obviously, if his daughters are there, then Princess would have a room to share with them and that makes things much safer from my perspective. See, I know myself well enough, and Princess not well enough, to know that if there are not established boundaries set up well before an opportunity, that I will go as far as she is willing to go and be left wanting more (possibly). On the other hand, if each night she is in the room with two girls that I honestly do consider to be like daughters to me, then I know that is a sanctum I would never be willing to even think about violating and I do not have to worry about someone like Gus suggesting alternate sleeping arrangements, and Gus would.
Yes, I am complicated individual for most people. Truth is I am actually very simple, much like a RISC processor (insert title). People, however, are used to much more complex paths and values so they find it difficult to understand someone who really is as simple as I.
So yes, my imaginary reader, I want to do all sorts of things with Princess that would get this blog labeled as MATURE READERS ONLY. But, I want them to be appropriate to the situation and relationship, so I suppress such feelings. And remember, having such feelings in no way obligates one to act on them, let alone dwell on them.
What is the likelihood that Princess will ever see any of this, pretty darned close to 0. And I hope that if she ever does see it, our relationship will have either progressed or ended such that she would be able to see these feelings that I document as understandable, possibly if the relationship proceeds then she would see them as precursors and be able to see the path of how she seduced/beguiled me. That’s right, blame the girl LOL. I do not mean it negatively at all. If there is a weakness, it is mine, fault to bear, my own.
The other intended audience is my future wife. Wait, WTH again! I thought Princess is who you were pursuing now you are talking about a future wife?!? Dude, that is just wrong on so many levels.
No, it is simply practical. Remember Princess and I have never even dated, these feelings are, as best as I can tell, completely one-sided. Maybe that will change, maybe Princess will be my future wife, right now in my dreams she very well is/could be. But what I do know is that because of Princess I do want to be married, as a general status of affairs. I know that if Princess and I never move beyond where we are now, that I will find someone who is a better fit to be my mate. Perhaps Princess will begin dating someone and I will be able to build up barricades in place to redirect my feelings towards her and that river will follow a different path. Point is I do not know. So for now, Princess and my Future wife are two different persons.
I do think that Future Wife will like Princess, and hope that she will recognize that I had to go through all of these things before being able to become Future Husband, but similarly this blog writer and Future Husband are two different persons as well. I have a long way to go before I am able to fulfill such a role, no matter how much I would want it now. I mean after all we all want it all and we want it now right? But that is a shortcut, and one thing that Princess is teaching me is that shortcuts are only good if you have traveled the long path first.